Against the ropes

never meant to be

2006-04-11T05:47:00.000+08:00

All of my life
Where have you been
I wonder if I'm
Gonna see you again.....

Haiz...i guess it's a no...

last man standing

2006-03-25T07:11:00.000+08:00

Miss training.Too shagged to come down to Kallang.Aziz will be coming down to tell his NS experiences.My friend and him ended up in the same platoon.Small world.Too bad I can't be there.Don't think i forget you guys ok?It's just that i'm a lil caught up here and i'll be back soon i hope.I really hope so.And i feel damn guilty for not coming down to train.

In the clearing stands a boxer,
And a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders
Of ev’ry glove that laid him down
And cut him till he cried out
In his anger and his shame,
“I am leaving, I am leaving”
But the fighter still remains…
Nick Porter

There are just some things that cannot be expressed in words.But there are also things that, while they can be expressed verbally, cannot truly be understood or appreciated until they have been experienced.A very good example is the sport boxing.Sweet science....or brutal sport?Yes some died from it.

"Why?Why have you got to do this?What are you working towards?"the questions I frequently get from so many people.Many thinks i look at it as a hobby.Some thinks to me, it's a matter between life and death.But i can assure you it's definitely more than that.

Never have i expected to end up in a squared area surrounded by ropes.Almost naked.Face to face with a guy who's so desperate to bring me down and let me have the smell of the canvas.Experiencing extreme fatigue and pain.Blood pumping with adrenaline through a heart filled with pride,confidence and courage.Eyes closing and vision blurred.But i did.I experienced it.The sharp sound of the bell,the environment,the thrill,excitement,danger.....It was something i will never get to do in school.

Yes, i'm no professional.Nothing close to Ali.But i just know that this is the hardest part to fight for.With no sponsor,no support,no starting point.We are fighting not to literally win but just to get back into the boxing scene for Singapore.And this does not even guarantee anything but i still choose to do it.So do some of my friends even though what we're doing is just like a story being told in a fairy tale.

I box because it's something that i love.I fight for the people who's with me.I fight because it's a proof i'm no longer the same old person 3 or 4 years ago.I love the feeling of being able to voluntarily put my heart on the test and that makes me braver.I fully know that what I'm doing now might be in vain.I understand that i could be hurt,humiliated,embarassed but if i do fail it's my own.At least I know i failed while daring greatly proving that my place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.Those who would just be an ordinary person who give in to fate and not inspire other people lives.

But in my mind and heart i just know and believe that even if i "fail" it's scarcely a failure at all.

you kill yourself each day so that you can live

2006-03-23T05:59:00.000+08:00

Sometimes,you just wake up and felt that everything was so right,so perfect,having everything going on smoothly...until...you tripped on the bus steps and fell face first, butt in the air.Right maya?ekekekekeke

Jgn marah yer...gurau saje...

The point is that i woke up to a beautiful day.Only that i've been very sleepy.As usual.Msged Hakeem but that guy has been in the process of hibernation since i don't know when so he did not reply.Please inform me if you have any friend who has an amazing ability to sleep more than 24hrs straight.Cos my best friend,Hakeem can.

Ok forget about him.So i managed to get my helmets done.There goes my $100.Checked out a few workshops to get my bike done.It's gonna cost quite heavily so it'll take sum tym to see it on the road.

Meanwhile things at the shop are getting better at least.So many ppl came in to ask for a job.And amazingly everyone was accepted.What the hell is going on in your mind Abng Zyed?!Haha...I guess he knows that these are the kind who come and goes.Just that being in the kitchen is really like being in an oven.So hot like crazy.Hot enough to make my blood boil.

Time really flies fast.Just when i thought i have enough time to train i realised 4th of april is coming soon.Fights will be in a certain part of Johor.Gotta get back in shape.I'm in the process of losing weight.I'm not vain or whatsoever it's just that i have to drop to 60kg and maintain that weight to be in the lightweight cat.

Personal msgs:
Hakeem-Col aku balik lah babi biler kau bangun nanti!
Jae-If you read this...i see you soon ok...i know i haven't been able to be around or whatsoever but...we'll meet soon insyallah
Maya-watch your steps
Rizal-Sorry for the last minute cancellation.Make it up some tym.Have fun at training.Train the boys.Kick their ass.Be there soon before the 4th hopefully.Then we'll kick some malaysian's ass.Kirim Salam cik dol and sesiapa lah kat sana.Cabut.And...update blog kau lah babi...

Ok that's about it.Will write again when i have the time.Ciao....

daddy not father

2006-03-22T04:57:00.000+08:00

For him,
whose years were wasted
with the tears he's tasted...

Have you ever loved someone so much
You'd give an arm for
Not the expression,no
Literally give an arm for
When they know they're your heart
And you know you are their armor
And you will destroy anyone who would try to harm her
But what happens when karma
Turns right around and bites you
And everything you stand for turns on you to spite you
What happens when you become the main source of her pain
Eminem - When I'm Gone

I know it's hard for you.Being a young father.As young as 20 yrs old.With a one year old baby whom you are losing.Momma taking her away and you trying so hard to keep things together.No education.Odd jobs.Not enough money for milk.You did wrong with her a few years back.Ended up with a baby.But you were man enough to face her parents.To face everybody.And marry her.When we met I could see the suffering in your eyes.Your eyes tell a story of great lost.You must have cried a million times.You must have had nightmares even in the day.The nightmares at night just kills you.All you have is just a picture.It took a toll on your body.Now you're tring to fight back.I could see your baby daughter is your life.The rhythm to your breating.The tattoo on your arm just doesnt reflect the sensitive side of you now.

Don't worry bro.If you think you wanna fight for her,we'll always be by you.And i've got a feeling you are gonna win this time.

kitchen check

2006-03-20T04:56:00.000+08:00

Hey guys,i've not been updating, yes i know cos I have been very busy and also lazy.Things are quite ok since my last day at Spize.Everything's starting to look a little better.But it's kinda crazy i will say to work directly next to Spize.So it's like frizz grill vs spize.Ok so bare with me, my english sucks a little now cos i haven't read or speak proper english for quite sum tym.It's usually a mix of hokkien-ah beng style or pure malay.And maybe some weird kelantan language.

Rough draft to starting frizz grill:
1)finding the kitchen equipments so early in the morning till after midnight
2)packing up the food and doing as much preparation as possible
3)Plan the kitchen
4)Plan the menu
5)Getting reliable workers
6)perfecting the recipe for chicken wings

I'm really tired.Lack of sleep.Working hours have been 12hrs or more.It's not even the first month yet but it's good to see many ppl supporting our new,humble western stall.Yes i'm no professional chef or a shatec graduate in culinary skills but i will say the food is quite ok.So much things to do and settle.Had to do the plumbing,the gas,the menu and stuff.I bet jamie oliver would have given up at the sight of our kitchen.And just now the fridge was spoilt.There goes the bolognaise and phool which has just been cooked yesterday.The veges all started to smell.The meat and all.It was disaster and heartbreaking.And also one of our deep fryer got spoilt too.And our freezer door.And our pipe got broken due to violent activity while washing the kebab machine.

I just sat down for 10 mins and thought how am i supposed to get through all this crap.Everyone wasn't really in a good mood just now during operation hours.Kitchen was real messy.Food going out quite late and parents kept complaining that their children had to wake up early tomorrow.

And so directly after midnight there goes the crowd.I was so glad.

Soon we gotta come up with another nice menu.I got a feeling spize is gonna try and bring us down.So yeah that's about it.

Besides that,i haven't been going to training.And im supposed to train for the april match in Johor i think.Don't know how I am supposed to go through this.So much things to do.So many people to meet.So many movies to watch.So many girls to call(haha im making this up).So much things to pay.So little time to settle my motorbike stuff.

Please pray for me.I really don't know how i am supposed to get through till April.Will update again some time.bye.

forever isn't gd anough for me

2006-01-08T03:58:00.000+08:00

I talked to few people today.Talked about working overseas and staying overseas.Working and staying are two different things so take note.Their experiences seems interesting especially those who got to work on board a ship.Some went Australia,Brunei,Jeddah and what more which i forgot.But all said staying overseas is just too much fo them.Being away from their families and all...

Working overseas...hmm...might consider that few yrs later...

unwritten leter to a hero

2006-01-06T05:23:00.000+08:00

hey (you know who I'm referring too),
Firstly i want to thank you for everything.Your support,care,memories and especially your sincerity.I understand the current situation that you are in.I know it's hard for you to go but it's also hard for us to see you leave.If you ever had to go I just want you to know that you changed our lives in a way that you'll never understand.

No matter where you'll be,no matter what you do and no matter how long you're gonna take,I'll always support you man.I gave you the most direct responses regarding this decision you were about to make and i hope you'll know what best for yourself.There's the whole world out the for you to explore bro and don't waste it.I'll be there at the end of the road.

It's gonna be hard and tough out there but knowing you, you'll get through it.You are a man i truly respect.Even though you seems retarded sometims but i guess that's your way of being humble.This time i hope you don't only do this for the people you love but most importantly yourself too.

The toughest battle isn't only fought in the ring but also throughout a journey called life.Love you bro.Take care.

soul of a butterfly

2006-01-05T00:30:00.000+08:00

"you only lose when you fail to fight for what you care for"-Ali

Throughout my whole 18yrs of life i've met soooo many ppl.Young and old.But often most of them end up with goodbyes.Sometimes i just sit down and wonder what they might be doing this very second.Does my name cross their mind sometimes?Do they still remember the stuff i gave them?(if i did give anything i mean).

I know i kept thinking of things which i shouldn't really think about.But oh well,being me i can't really help it.

Damn i hate goodbyes.Especially those ppl i get really close to but then they had to commit themselves to other ppl or things,everything starts to change.yeah they are still around but it just isn't the sme anymore.Some are still in contact and some disappeared to i don't know where.Guess the road of life isn't always straight.But still life goes on.

My best buddie gonna go Australia for 4 yrs to study law n here i am thinking of what i should really do.That news was lyk a bombshell.but guess that's the road he's gonna take.All the best to him.

Right now i'm really restless.I don't know what to do.I feel so empty with no sense of belonging.I have nothing to look forward to.I don't even know myself anymore.Today was just lyk yesterday.I hate to show that i have all these feelings in me.But i really can't help it this time.I've dug my own grave.My mind's all messed up.Feelings unsure.My tolerance level is really low and yeah...i'm logging off...may i wake up to a better day tomorrow

hoping for nothing

2006-01-03T14:19:00.000+08:00

"I don't want to be the champion of the world.I just want to be the champion of your heart"

cey....deep deep...hahaha

Sometimes when we think back again,why do we always fall for the people that we cant have?

Nasi Kandar,Roti Bom at Khaleel Restaurant

2006-01-02T04:59:00.000+08:00

It's been about a week since i came back from penang.Yet it just felt like yesterday,especially the moments when i was in the ring.Yes,i got a silver this time.Guess it's ok cos i don't like the colour gold anyway.But hell,getting the silver just feels like getting the gold this time.I don't feel like i won it but more like WE won it.The whole team consisting of coach,Rizal(trainer and motivator n crap talker),the boxers een,vicky,aziz,shawn and Hafiz.

I won't describe how i fought but i won Polis Diraja Malaysia in a 3rd round knockout and Perak in a 4 round decision match.That got me into the finals,against the home country's own fighter.All fights are extremely interesting and nerve wrecking.Plus scary i admit.

I believe the first few rounds of a fight is totally up to the fighter.It all depends on his stamina,his mind power,strategy and experience.When it comes to the later rounds,the pain sets in.With barely anything left to even throw a punch he still has got to continue to fight.For every last round of my fight i could feel it in me.I could feel my legs wobbling.My eyes almost closing and vision blurred.I could barely keep my hands up.But the energy now does not only come from me.It comes from my corner especially the last 1 minute break.From my friends shouting at me to not give up and continue throwing punches.From the thought of people believing that I can win that fight.From the messages i received wishing me luck.And i've got 2 very cute young boys,penang locals shouting my name "abang ridhwan!"loudly despite the whole crowd supporting my opponent by shouting his country.I just do not want to disappoint any of them.All of these gives me the drive to move forward not backing away even though i had to take a few solid blows to my head.I could feel tears welling up in my eyes cos of punches to the nose.But i just do not want to give in cos i'm not only fighting for myself but for the rest shouting for me.

Every punch that i threw was for someone.Every round had a purpose.Every round was dedicated to diferent people.

The colour on the piece of metal that i got from penang and now hanging at my bedroom window doesnt really mean so much.What matters most to me is to see the smile on my coach's face.I could just feel something when he looked me in the eye after the finals.When i "won" i felt the whole team winning it.I felt the whole Kadir Boxing School in Kallang earned it cos that's where i first started to train.To see the smiles on my fellow teammates makes me happy.To hear them laugh...man!Nothing can beat that.Cos we did this together.We went through this whole thing together.

I love you guys man...Hope we'll stick together and get through the upcoming fights.

this isn't a forever goodybe

2005-12-15T02:37:00.000+08:00

Today on the 14th is officially my last day as a full timer at Spize.Damn i'm gonna miss the place.The people.The atmosphere.The feeling of belonging.Guess being stuck there for almost 2 years really had an effect on me.It was hard for me when i said goodbye to them when i took my bag to go back hm.Everybody was just giving a weak smile and didnt really look me in the eye.I shook hands with the bangladesh worker hus lyk a big brudder n hugged him.Said sorry for all the wrong things i might have said and i just noticed his eyes was watery.Abng Zyed wasnt arnd to see me go.That's a gd thing cos if not it's gonna be harder for me.

Toyol,Abng Don,Suhaimi,Ramli,Abng songkok,anuar,Husein,Adi skudai,Kamal Burma,Mohashin,Has,Faizal,Aunty...it's been great to meet all of you.You are the best bunch of ppl that any 17/18yr old boy will ever get to meet.

Thats where i grow up.that's where i learn to love.Where i learn to be myself.Where i learn to talk.Where i changed.To make friends.To be sincere.To face fear in the face.Look at life in a very different way.I've seen and felt so much.I've seen how's life getting married.I got to see how it feels to lose your first child.I've seen how you ppl went a distance so that you can continually put food on the table for your families.I've seen no matter how bad you are you still respect ppl who deserves respect.You guys are my reali life heroes.

You guys have seen a different side of me.The side of me where prolly nobody else knows.I love you ppl.And i swear to God i'm gonna miss you.Peace ppl.I'll see you again before i leave for penang.=)....

birthday surprise

2005-12-14T03:51:00.000+08:00

Never have i thought i'll get a surprise while eating my Nasi Goreng Kampung.But guess what i was surprised and shocked and still am even when blogging this entry.3 ladies came to my workplace at midnight with a gift and a cake for me.They sang me a birthday song n i can feel everyone looking at me and i guess they know i just turned 18.Which took so long to happen.So they were Maya Sofia,Lady Jae and dayana khafiz.It was kinda new for me...so i wasnt reali used to it so i just kept quiet.My hands were shaking while cutting the cake.Jae was taking pictures.Haha.I feel like a clown.So ordered drinks and food and so they had their meal and cake.

I received so many msgs and few cols wishing me happy birthday.I swear to God i nvr thought this is ever gonna happen.this is the first tym so many ppl remembered n it just feels great to know sum of ur old mates remembers you.

The ppl were Mardhiah,Abng Zyed,Foo wey yi,siti aminah,Indian player viki(how the hell u know my bthdae man...),Razlyana,Rizal Bulan,Zafirah,the abang working at the drink stall,Abang Don frm Johor,Noor the prata man and abng taxi.And of course the 3 ladies that came.this might not luk lyk much but still it's a lot to me.

Mardhiah-ur bthdae was 4 days ago.Happy bthdae again.You've been a realli nice girl n dun worry i'm sure rusydi will get back to you.Dun think too much,smile always n be happy ok?
Nana-You are cute in your own ways n thnx for rmbring my bthdae.realli appreciate it.It means a lot.
Aminah-Thnx for being there always.To listen what i've gota say,going thru sum probs i had together and for remembering my bthdae every single year since u know me.I still have the ship u gave me for my 17th bthdae.=)
Wey Yi-Finally u found the right fertiliser to grow your hair!joking brudder...thnx for remembering man.Stay the way you are,be happy,and thanks for all the memories since primary school.You will always be remembered.
Rizal-You're a nice guy buddy.I love you man.You're my brother.Thnx for being there for me,taking care of me,being at my corner during fights,taking my pictures while i'm fighting,giving me the courage and motivation to keep on going and believing in what i do.Having u arnd during a fight makes me feel safe even though its just a sparring session.Rock on west side.
Viki-thnx for coling man.We argued a lot in KL.It was funny.Thnx for being at my corner in KL n for shouting at me while i'm fighting.Keep it going man...see you at the gym soon.
Maya-You surprise me today.Thnx for coming.Thnx for the call.We gone through a lot n we both learnt lessons.Both Good and Bad.Even after everything we been through i'm glad we still made it alright.Stay pretty ok n c u arnd hopefully.Frens always...
Jae-Jae!!!!!the girl hu made it happen.Next tym wrap maya up ok?I love you jae.You mean a lot to me 2.We might not meet often but trust me u are always remembered.I always get the best from you.Thnx for being yourself,your sincerity and your willingness to be there for me no matter whatever shit that falls on me.Stay cool...=)

All you can ever learn is what you already know

2005-12-04T07:16:00.000+08:00

I was back from work 4 hrs ago n now here i am typing away.I havnt slept yet n i dont know why.Somehow i just felt more peaceful today.The morning seems a little brighter and the air fresher.And yeah i felt better after soooooo long.

Ok i'm smiling right now.It's just great to feel happy you know even though you don't really know the reason to why you're smiling.I'm not exactly crazy yet but i guess i know why i'm smiling but...i wun tell you why.

it's just that i feel new,i realised things aren't so bad afterall.Everything's starting to fall back to place.Even though not 100% the way i like it but at least u know i'm quite contented.

the thing is that i feel different.Yeah thats all.Bye2.

Which way should i go?

2005-11-29T04:35:00.000+08:00

Today i've been put in a very difficult situation.I don't know what to think or feel anymore.I've got a fight in Pulau Pinang in December.But,i guess it's gonna be tough to get leave within that period of time.Chances of being able to get leave is very little.And the thing is if I go i might lose my job.And i really need the money at this point of time.On the other hand i really want to go for this fight.Maybe i can push aside the money part.

The plan was to quit the job if i don't get the leave.But the thing is i made a promise to 2 guys at my work place i'll only quit next year January or February.Because they need me around at this moment.And if i'm not around and the things at the shop go haywire they will be blamed.And i don't want to look bad.So you get the picture?

Maybe some of you think I should forget bout the fight.It's not important.But it's important to me.That's all i ve got to prove to ppl that i'm gd in sumthing.And there's 2 things that i really know how to do in my life...boxing and cooking.

So, it's friendship,money and my life on the line here.And i don't know what to do.

thriller in Manila

2005-11-25T00:30:00.000+08:00

What exactly makes a good fighter?Different ppl definitely have different answers to this qn.Fighting style maybe.Their endurance?Strength...willpower....courage...attitude?But there's this thing that i heard from my coach back in KL the day before my fight.

"It's the heart that wins"that's exactly what he said.And it stayed in my mind throughout the whole night till today.

And i think it's so true.To be a great fighter you gota have a great heart.That's where the courage,determination and willpower comes from.Being able to keep on fighting even though it's nearly impossible to win.The endurance to take on the opponents heavy punches which could easily drop other ppl.The determination to win no matter what it takes.Nvr understood the word fear or giving up.To be knocked down and keep on getting up.This all comes from the heart definitely.

And this line comes across my mind..."may the best man wins".Now i know what it meant.It's not about being a better and naturally talented fighter.It's not about having the style which differentiates you from other fighters.It's not about seeing who's stronger physically or who has a heavier punch.It's actually about giving your all.Giving all you have in and out of the ring.Many think of boxing as stupid.Just punching and punching.But it definitely takes more than that.It's about training to the finest condition ever.The discipline to go for morning runs no matter what.It's about doing what you should do and what people expect you to do to be a champion.

You can slowly build your fighting style.You can train to have stronger punches.You can train to be faster.But not everybody has got the heart.The heart of a great fighter.

And i still believe... "it's the heart that wins".

KL trip

2005-11-24T00:53:00.000+08:00

Finally i'm back from KL.I don't really know if it''s a gd thing or a bad thing.Whatever it is it was considered the best trip in my lyf so far.

The last day when i woke up...i just stayed still for a couple of seconds.Some were still sleeping.Some were changing.Coach was praying.Then my head starts to hurt.It's not lyk a bad headache but its just there to bother me.Then i remembered the fight.It was the most tiring 8mins of my life.It was amazing to be able to keep on standing after the 4 rnds of toe to toe punching.

It was crazy.i climbed into the ring with one thought only.Win.Well it's just a thought n i couldnt really believe i would.I know i could take his heavy punches.I'm not afraid of getting hurt,getting a broken nose or whatever.I know i'm losing only at one part...stamina.The beel rang.He came close.Suddenly my feet felt heavy.Mayb i was nervous cos i nvr reali been in the ring.So i hit him first.It hit him right into the nose.What i thought was true he wasn't scared of me.I mean who would.

So i was osing on points in the first round.When i was in my corner for the break i could barely open my eyes.I was slurring.Coach was toking to me but all i hear was nothing.The beel rang again signalling round 2.I rose.I started good.Jabbed him once.Twice.The third time i missed and he countered with so many punches.I was so lost n in a daze.The punch hit the temple on my head n i got giddy.I stayed low n kept on hitting his body.He wasn't going to stop.I moved forward nvr wanting to back away n gave him the most powerful right in my whole life.He fell n lied on the canvas.For once i thought he wasn't getting back up.N that i'd win.But no he got up n the bell rang.End of round 2.

Round 3.By this tim i was panting.My eyes were barely open.He was punching me like as if i'm a punching bag.I couldnt punch cos my arm was too tired.I ust followed him.Waiting or him to be out of breathe.Finally i caught him in the ropes and threw a few punches.He went down again.And he got up AGAIN!.For your information this guy is in the malaysian army so i guess that's why he's a bit tougher to beat.I know i was losing on points.I know i was losing the fight.

On my corner coach was telling how i should punch.He kept eling me my opponent is tired.He would drop again in no tym.That's what i believed.So i went in for round 4,the last round.

The only thing in my mind then was to drop him and take him out.There's no way i could win on points.I started to feel giddy.I kept on punching.He punched but misses.He started to pant.He's tired.So i kept on going forward.Taking his punches just so that i could land one hard punch on his jaw.But this time he was more on defenses.Jab after jab we threw till the last bell sound.

I dropped to my knees.My coach went into the ring n lift me up.I could still remember what he said."Just act like you're not tired.you're fine...you're fine".So i stood up.Controlled my breathe.The world was spinning.I waited for the result.I lost by 3 pts.imagine if i jabbed him 3 times it would be a draw!.how close....i wasn't satisfied deep inside.

Now i know where i stand.There's gonna be a fight again in pulau pinang in December.I'm going al out for it.This time i'm bringing back more than bronze.Whatever it takes.

Scarface

2005-10-21T03:17:00.000+08:00

You gain strength,courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face...you must do the thing you cannot do
-Eleanor Roosevelt

Before i say anything i would like to mention my sister who has done this layout for me.So much thanks to her.However no comments can be put here so i'll ask for her help to put a tagboard or sumthin when she's free.She's taking her 'O' levels you see.

Now,now....there's nothing much to say except for my boxing.This month suddenly feels so slow.Been going to work and been training by myself at 3am.Forcing and pushing myself.My left arm kinda hurt.The other fighters who are going KL for the competition are in favour of winning.Cos they got sum natural kinda stuff in them the coaches say.I've gota work you know so i can't always make it.I would if i could.But things are just different from me.

I've been standing in front of the mirror for so long now.No,not to check on my hair.Been punching and moving making sure my feet is moving the way that it should.Trying to get the balance to give one helluva punch.I kinda suck at this coordination thing so that explains why i can't dance.Trying to make it a natural reflex thing so it won't bother me in the ring or i will look like a bulldozer with absolutely no balance.I'm trying so hard here that i hope things will turn out into sumthing.Can't wait for Saturday to hit the bags at the gym.

My coach came out in this months FHM.Syed Abdul Kadir.Go read and check it out.Girls who wanna get fit or lead a healthy lifestyle you can sign up for it.There are girls training boxing at the boxing gym where i train.It's cheap $35 per mth.Come whenever you like.It's fun.I promise the guys won't bully you.Haha.

Gota train...will write soon

road to recovery

2005-10-17T03:34:00.000+08:00

he never thought someone would come along
to show him the feeling he's alwayes dreamed of
she pulled away so scared of a love
which might have been more than she had planned

The morning was still.The rain was pouring.The sound of rain hitting on the windows of his bedroom became music.A music with a melody that no one could understand.Everything came rushing to him.Those flashbacks were like a black and white film.When he was 2 yrs ago.The girl he saw.The day they started talking.The first time he held her hand.All these were the good part.

Then there it came.The lies.The ignorance.The waiting game.The silent torture.The words that shot his damn heart like a bullet from a gun.The words that came exactly from her mouth which no one else knows about.He felt stupid.Humiliated.Cheated.So bloody hurt that he can nvr move on and forget.It's like the biggest point of life when he lost.He hates her?No...not even a second in his life.

Now someone else is doing a better job in making her happy.he wished it was him.But no.Reality hits him hard.His time is over.He n her are from two different worlds.He walks away..Head down...Promised to let go of everything.Gota throw everything that he felt.Everything he wished for.He's struggling to breathe.Even though he' trying to be truthful there's something he's always been lying about.His thoughts and feelings for her.That didn't mean anything now does it?

So here he is now.Waking up to solemn mornings and living through dull nights.Keeping quiet never telling the story that ended without him realising.He smiled,laughed and be happy.But only God knows what lies within.

I'm on TV!!!!!!

2005-10-11T05:14:00.000+08:00

Hi folks...welcome to the most interesting website that you'll prolly view in your whole life.This is where you'll get to hear things you'll never hear outside,know things that you'd rather not know,learn stuff that aint taught in school and the secrets that mum and dad don't intend you to know before marriage.Haha.

Back to business.So the television crew came.It was Aaron Aziz as the host.Gona be aired on suria.Show is 'warna ramadhan' i think but i don't know when it's gonna be aired.Well, things are ok.They came pretty early and stuff to prepare things.I had to rush cos one of my partner was late.Gota do last minute shopping at Shop N Save.Prepared the dishes that hav been decided on.

And guess what...i had to demonstrate how to do the Aglio Olio.Haha it was damn funny.I had to do repeatedly cos i was moving my hands too fast.It's like so dramatic.Imagine putting pepper so slowly that it took 10 secs.Think they planned to do the fast forwarding effect during editing that's why.I don't know if they had my face on it.I thought the cameraman had his camera focused on my hand and when i'm done i just looked at the camera.And there it was.The camera lens was looking directly into me.I give a stupid smile which says "hi!nice being on tv and i feel like a total dork!".Haha.

Aaron was ok.He aint snobbish or proud or arrogant like some guys say.Guess they're jealous huh?So he came later with his wife and small kid to break fast.Nice familyof three.But he looked thinner than he originally looked like on tv.Must be the stress of being married.

Kitchen check:Things learnt today
1)Teh tarik malaysian style
2)Kailan Oyster Thai style
3)Tauge ikan asin

Like bugs bunny always say...That's all folks!

angels and airwaves

2005-10-10T04:09:00.000+08:00

Ok work was damn tiring.It was only 2 people handling the kitchen.Cooking like crazy cos so many wanted to break fast.I can sense everyone's looking into the kitchen and everytime a food goes out i can see the "is that food mine?" kind of expression on their faces.Everything was so fast and 2 hours passed just like that.

So i was sitting down with the new cooks.And there's this one thai seafood cook.Obviously he don't speak English.He speaks malay in a funny way.He got sum kind of accent and he's a Serawak guy.Or is it Sabah?Whatever it is he's been living in the jungle for God knows how long.He's in a tribal kind of thing.You know the ones wearing nothing but leaves covering their privates.But of course he's fully clothed when i was talking to him.Coincidentally we were sitting by the road after work and everytime a car passed by he will stop talking and look at the car.Know what?He never saw a moving vehicle until when he reached Singapore to work at the age of 26!I was like what the fuck?I didn't want to hurt hs feelings so we talked bout other stuff.
Like how's the life there and all.Kinda new to me.Gota teach him how to use the handphone.

The next guy is an indian malaysian who likes to sing malay rock songs.He does the drinks.And his voice is so high pitched that he definitely could make it into the opera if he decided to stop doing drinks.But he's kinda hip.Funny guy.And his jokes are stuff that you never hard before.

Next guy an old man walking around taking orders and is so hardworking.Nothing much bout him didn't get to talk to him.But i suppose he's a nice person.I would like to believe that anyway.

Next guy is one Malaysian too.Apparently,he was supposed to get married but his wife wanna be had to leave him cos he didnt get enough money for the wedding.I'm not sure if its the girl or the girl's parents but whatever it is this abang was like so sad when telling this story.It started when i said "you surely have many girlfriends".I said it in malay.But his reply was a "no"."Bila kita sayang seseorang tu kita sayang sampai mati.---when we love someone,we love him/her till death".That was his reply.I just smiled cos i'm afraid to ask anything that could make him cry or whatsoever.But he was ok with it and told me bout his experience.He was cool.He said "sometimes even though we love sumone it's not meant to be.What's important is that you are contented that you love her the best that you could.And even though you see her happy with someone else you'll still smile cos you know she's happy.You don't have to be present all the time in front of her to let her know bout the love.Some things are just better not known.Even though she hurts you and don't know it,you don't go around telling stories.Love is not blind.It just refuses to see the things that it should see".And that's like so true.Kinda tough huh.Cos he lives in a kampung so his house was near to the girl's and they always met coincidentally somehow.So he'll just pretend not to see her.Not too smile.Not say hello until the girl thinks he's proud.But deep inside he wanted to just go right to her and hug her and bring her home.Acting skills is a must here.

Oh well i miss her too.It's tough to act.But i guess that's how things are gonna be for now.Her birthday's coming soon.Hope she'll have a great time turning 18.May God give her all the reasons in the world to make her happy,smile and laugh. : )

More people to come next tym.The television crew from Suria will be coming tml to the shop for some shoots bout the food.The host gonna be Aaron Aziz i think.So we'll see how it goes.

Fullstop.

When winnin is not everything

2005-10-09T07:27:00.000+08:00

The day started early with me hitting on the punching bags. Jab,jab,cross,uppercut...jab,jab,cross, uppercut....I was getting dehydrated and was totally in need of water.It was drizzling then the rain poured.It drizzled again later den it poured..But guess i managed to wait till the right time to eat.I talked to coach after training about how it feels like to fight for Singapore.Kinda an interesting story for his side.Boxing is so political.

And guess who i met today.Jeremy.Yeah the guy who lost his teeth while playing soccer.Think you'll be reading this.Haha...He's still the same Jeremy.Same voice,same lines,talk funny,ah beng wanna be....kinda cool.Miss those soccer days u know.So you gonna learn the guitar eh?Gd luck and may you learn fast.So we talked bout Blink 182 and their separation.

Ok i guess to many people, Blink 182 are just a bunch of horny bastards who got lucky along the road.But to me they are people with so much talent.Their songs are funny,melodic rock and roll,mixture of punk shit,little bit of emo and the best thing i love bout their songs is that they just make me laugh.It seems like they're inseparable when i watched their live tours with Greenday and stuff.Sucks to see them break up.Prolly had an argument.But i guess nothing lasts forever and shit happens without anyone realising.

And i went Johor after work.Witnessed a fight there between an Indian and a Malay.Typical fights.Bout scolding each other's mother.Got back and im shagged.Watched whose line is it anyway on the com just to laugh a lil before going to slp.Some stupid dirty joke.Haha.

I'm going to go to slp now write again sum other tym...

when dictionaries cannot explain the meaning of life

2005-10-08T04:11:00.000+08:00

It was about 8 30am when i woke up.All i did was stared at the ceiling.My mind was blank and i don't know what to think about.So i thought about fights.I got bored and so i thot of ppl.Old friends,Family,girlfriends,work friends...and then I didn't feel sleepy anymore even though i recalled that i went to dreamland for only like 3 hrs.Should i go out?Where?With who?all are questions with no answers.I tried to go back to sleep but i guess i laid there for another hour.

Something's bothering me at the back of my mind, i know but i just couldn't figure out what.Sometimes you just feel like you'e trying so hard.Trying so hard to get something but you don't really know what's that something.Sometimes you feel like what's the point of moving and going on when nobody notices you.I've learnt to live not only for myself but also for others but i guess the feeling aint there anymore.There may be a crowd around me but i'll still feel alone deep inside.It's like a piece of a jigsaw puzzle that's missing.

"just put a smile and laugh"yeah that's what i said to myself.And practically i did.Know how hard it is to start back fresh every single day.It's tough to act.I got so tired of it.I've got no one to look forward to,i dun feel at home,i don't feel anyone needs me anywhere.Give up?that's just not me but i need a break from trying.I hate to tell people that i'm unhappy but you know there are just some things you just can't hide.Everyone wants to be happy right?That's what life is all about.It aint the money,a beautiful gf or wife,living in luxury,being famous...i wonder what it takes for me to be happy.

Till i find out the missing piece of jigsaw puzzle to my life.

turning point

2005-10-07T02:01:00.000+08:00

In my experience,I have found that the toughest game is the game of life, and when a man can do in that game what Jim has done,what does a fight mean or a punch in the chin?
-Joe Gould
manager of James J. Braddock

hey ppl...hows things?Good to hear everything's doing pretty fine.That's just an assumption and assumptions are mothers to all fuck-ups.But skip that for now.Above is a quote about the Cinderella Man.Yeah its a movie name and i watched it and i find it pretty good.Keeps me moving you know that kind of stuff.Wanna know how's life in the boxing world,go watch it.

For me things are still the same...Gota work longer hours though and the pay is still the same.What more to expect from a kitchen boy huh?They gonna take over the drink store and do thai seafood.Gonna make a cafe kind of concept.Starting real soon,everyone's been very buzy preparing.So i guess soon i'll stop doing mediterranean n western food for a while n start doing thai seafood.Guess there will at least be some excitement.Think of it this way...I dun have to go to shatec to learn to cook.Even though i'm going through the hard way,i think it makes me learn faster.

Time's really tough right now.I'm like on a boat trying to pass through a tidal wave.Things are gonna be fine.I mean one can endure if there's still hope right?I just hope this shit is right for now.

5 wks left to the fight in KL.I'm too caught up with work trying to get money so i can survive till the extent that it's hard for me to go train.But i still do, only lesser.No denials bout the other fighters getting prepared.So i've gota train by myself again.Morning runs that kind of stuff.5 wks.Time has just grabbed me by the wrists n lead me to places i nvr wished to reach yet.

Yes Jae we buka sum tym ok hopefully,insyallah...Nice talking to you eh despite all these years,amazingly we still meet and talk.I'm glad you know... :)

First Bout

2005-09-24T02:44:00.000+08:00

The day has come...Saturday,7 00pm,Concourse Building,Beach Road.Be prepeared for some boxing!!!

Ok i'm like kinda nervous here.How the hell are you gonna move n box with so many eyes looking at you,know what i mean?Looking at every flaws in your punches.Imagine the pressure,the sweat,the deadly punches,the sound of the bell can just make you cold and the three men standing at your corner shouting "jab!jab!" just makes you go crazy.

Oh well,got the day off from work at least.I'll just see how thing goes.Gona be out by 8am to meet coach and the other contenders.Spend some time with them outside after that just to chill n keep the suspense going.Guess gonna be a big group with the other supporters, girlfriends, girlfriends' friends....dammit...this is gonna be so interesting.

I've nvr been in a boxing fight and so this is gd experience.But i really wanna win.I really tried the best.I ran at 4am,quit smoking for a while,dis back breaking work outs,go to trainings and doing the best that i could.I just hope it's gona worth somethin.

I've just gota win this thing man!

Wish me luck.I'm gona need it.

nothing

2005-09-20T09:12:00.000+08:00

A real man never forgets the people who made him and never will he allow himself to be owned and ruled by a woman

no one can love you like I do

2005-09-15T04:19:00.000+08:00

What is boxing?...To me,it's 2 guys dancing in shorts with some punching in it.

Sometimes you just really want something.But when u got it you just feel it's not worth it for you.I have 1 week left.I did no training.No running.No sparring.No shadowing.No weight training.Basically i did nothing but work while the other contenders are fighting and practising their ass so that they'll be in gd shape.When i think back, is it worth fighting for?I do not intend to be famous, or recognised.I just wanna be respected.I just wanna make sure that i really believe in what i believe.And to that i've gota prove it.

On that day,i'll only be alone.Not like the rest.With families at their corner snapping pictures,saying words that they should hear.Their girlfriends giving them the motivation.Not me.I'll be by myself.Fighting for my own pride.Nobody thinks i'm anything.But know what who cares.I've been training by myself.I created my own style.Only abang zyed n waleed have been telling me how i should fight.

When you fight don't only fight with your muscle but fight with your heart.But now i don't even have the heart to start.Giving up?it's just not me.But i duno..

To you:Yeah maybe i screw up.Big tym.Maybe isn't gd enough.Ok i screwed up.The reason i've been a jerk is cos i still ....... you.I swear i'm not expecting anything n i have no intentions at all.I'm not trying to get you back or show i'm the best that u'll ever get or whatever you have in mind.So this is the last tym im gona ever mention bout the best thing that ever happened to my lyf.And that is you.And now, i'm gonna do you a favor.I'm gona go to slp.And when i wake up i'll forget that i even met u.And if i ever see you outside.I'm just gona smile to myself n make it seems lyk ur a character i've seen once in a black n white film.A story with no ending.

And i don't want the world to see me
Cos i don't think that they'd understand
when everything's meant to be broken
I just want you to know who i am

written letter to the whole world

2005-09-14T06:26:00.000+08:00

Ok.Apparently i made Maya cry today.In the bus.Yeah she cried.Not at home but in the bus,so shoot me.Ain't I bad.Oh well....

Honestly i dun't mean to hurt anybody,show anybody's weaknesses in this shit that im writing,I dun mean to judge and i know i nvr did.But i guess my words were like a bullet which shot her through her brain and triggered her to cry.Firstly,I don't wish to fight About sumthing stupid that happened 3 yrs ago.I'm just writing what im feeling and later,blamed for what i'm feeling.Basically it's like not the whole world reads this stuff that i'm writing.And not all the things i wrote is about you, it's also bout other girls and guys as well.Not convinced...?ok...It's bout aibah,syafikah,mardhiah and not only you.Even though it seems sumtyms it's about you.Sometimes truth hurts i guess.

Now tml im gona get about 3 msgs from different girls saying "you made me cry"I'm ready for it i guess...

I'm not asking for anything,neither hope for any miracles to happen.Just that Ican't lie to myself bout what i feel.It's not about blaming you.If you wanna be angry with what happened 3 yrs ago...I can't help bout that.And more ppl gona hate me now cos it seems lyk " i made you cry".I don't care anymore.

And so we're strangers from now?If that's what you want that's what you'll get.Delete my number,burn my pictures if that makes u feel better ok.

Ok Maya...whether u believe it or not.I'm sorry to make you cry.I'm putting away my ego now n if you couldn't find a piece in your heart to forgive den i guess...u get what u want.we'll be strangers.I lost.Yeah.I don't expect you to forgive me but at least pls stop hating me for all the wrong reasons.
Happy 18th birthday in advance.

women weaken legs

2005-09-11T03:23:00.000+08:00

Sometimes when i look at you i can just feel the anger.But sometimes it just calms me down. Whatever it is you look very yellow today.Haha.

Know what?You may not know this cos i nvr wanted to show.Deep inside i still love you.More than yesterday.Lesser than tomorrow.But i guess no matter how much we need sum things,we just can't get hold of it.Some things are just not meant to be.It's true like some ppl say.We are lyk from two different worlds.It's a wonder we even get to meet in this road called life.Things happen for a reason you know.It's just too bad you didn't get to know and see the real me.I don't blame you.

Gota stay away from women for a while cos...WOMEN WEAKEN LEGS!!!! Gota focus on the competition.I'm not hoping to win but at least prove to myself that i can go a distance.

Viva La Rasa....

you're the greatest,but i'm the latest

2005-09-10T04:16:00.000+08:00

yeah work's over.not planning to slp or i'll miss boxing later at 8 30 am.but still im kind of shagged.And i have aibah(a girl) bugging me to go watch her dance in a competition.I dun feel lyk going cos i'll feel out of place.i guess ppl who go there are hip hoppers n they dress funny.N i'll look lyk an idiot.So for safety reasons n to prevent humiliation i better not go.Furthermore i'll be trapped in simpang bedok cooking lyk crazy.

Been hearing news that there will be a boxing competition on 24 September.Held at concourse.Don't ask me cos i myself do not know where yet.Gota ask coach permission to join n yeah thats y im planning to go today so i can talk to him one on one since there wun be many ppl training on a Saturday morning.Hopefully.

And yes many beautiful girls are out today with their families eating at simpang bedok.But oh well thats just the temporary entertainment for me at my work place.They dissapeared even before i knew it.Not lyk as if i can get their phone numbers right.

Anyway i've been disturbed by this question.Is it ok to have your own fren going out with your ex gf?whatever the answer is...the feeling just sucks!

going off now...

different beginnings,same ending

2005-09-08T02:33:00.001+08:00

"i miss your voice. i found a restaurant for your birthday. don't want cafe vienna."

how sweet. he's thinking about my big day. haha...i have no idea what to get him.

Haha...let's have one minute of silence and after that laugh....how sweet.yeah sweet.Anyway for those who are lost i got it from sum1s blog which i most prolly assume you should know cos she's lyk so damn popular.Maybe i know the guy,maybe i don't whatever it is...nvm...

I dunno why but this just pisses me off.I miss your voice,yeah yeah....Know what?I miss your voice,I miss your smile,I miss the way you stare at me when i say something stupid,I miss the way you run your fingers up my arm,I miss they way you separate the 'tauge' from the mee goreng,I miss looking at you eating so slowly,I miss the way you talk about your day,I miss the way you bitch bout another girl,I miss the way you giggle,I miss the way you pretend not to miss me,I miss the way you rest ur small little head on ym shoulder,I miss the way you laugh,I miss the way you try to laugh at something,I miss the way your face go 'Oh so cute" when you see a cat pass by,I miss sitting next to you while waiting for bus 292 ,I miss the way you break your promises,I miss your daily sms messages,I miss the way you hugged me when im down,I miss the way you talk about your frens,n mostly i miss just you n no matter how much u say u r still da same inside i know ur not cos the girl i fell for 3 yrs ago was entirely different from now.

You may say i have no right to say that n that i don't kow you well, other ppl might believe u on this.But when u see me in the eye, only both of us know whose lying to ourselves.

I don't only think of your oncoming birthday.I think of you every single day.why i love you so much?FUCK i just don't know...i guess a reason aint necessary to love someone.if i love u cos ur beautiful n 20 yrs later ur not,then i won't love you anymore.If i love you cos ur nice n if one day u turn bad,then i won't love you anymore.So i guess there is no reason.It's just something that i just know.And you know but u just ran away from it.Things are not hard for us.It's hard for you....n so thats y u end it.

I don't miss you anymore.

wake up

2005-07-30T03:59:00.000+08:00

don't get so bothered bout wad ppl say/think bout u.If u keep thinking bout what ppl would say den it shows u dun believe in ur credibility.What's important u know and believe in urself.Know ur strength.your weaknesses and work on it.If u think u'r gd...then ur gd!if the ppl u love,the friends u mix with agree on that too...then it's true!And i think that's good enough...

Makes sense?It does to me.That's what my abang said to me.He never know how much he made me feel better.

Mardhiah msgd.She said she won her run, so happy for her.She's lyk so happy.Nvr seen her that way b4.But then she gota slp early so it's only lyk 3 msgs haha.N i think that's gd enough.

2005-07-29T03:33:00.000+08:00

i lost in today's boxing match to a 21 yr old friend.I took him down last wk n today it's proven that he really trained secretly to bring me down.Hate it when things like this happen you know.When he asked to fight with me i gave a straight ok.Nvr did I have a thought that he's bringing me down today.It just sucks u know cos the referee was sort of saying im "his" fighter and coach was there to watch.Of all days, he watch me lose today.Why wasn't he arnd when i won?Haha...

Forgot that guy's name but he sure punch stronger this time.I was stunned when he hit me on the head. I was like a fool trying to hit something and i ended up punching the air.He improved a lot this wk.I just couldn't bring my mind into the match n halfway my mind was somewhere else.Everytime i look back i could see coach shaking his head left n right n i was thinking "what the fuck did i do wrong?!".I tensed up tried again to hit better but got the same reaction from him.I guess that was my mistake today.I was so concerned bout how ppl arnd gona look at me so i couldn't be myself.I wasn't myself.I wasn't moving smoothly.I hit like a sissy.I didn't train for it.Haiz...what a lesson.Next week is redemption.

Mardhiah called bout 6 pm today.Had a chat for a while.that's it.

Seether-broken

2005-07-28T02:40:00.000+08:00

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
seether-broken

This song was played in the eddie guerrero vcd that i talked about b4.Somehow I can only feel the meaning of it right now.It's just amazing to have everything wen you're at the top of your lyf and in the next moment you see everything going,fading away when you're at the bottom.You are just left alone to struggle just to breathe again.When you look around for support you just don't seem to find any.We make mistakes.I made mistakes.Lots of them.

But i nvr regret.If i nvr do anything wrong i'll nvr learn to do anything right.I've sat down and thought of fate but i tell myself i wanna be stronger and see what God has arranged for me.I wanna see what he's gonna put me through.And i learnt the fact that i'm not actually afraid of what's in front of me but of what God can do.I guess God just love to test me a lot.When i just look back and see my past it haunts me in every single way.But it just doesn't matter anymore cos i've overcome it.And i promise to myself that i will never ever let anything....or anybody stop me from etting what i want.I'm sick of trying and failing but guess what this is where i'm gona make a comeback to show that i ain't weak.I'm not giving up nor giving in.

I learnt how to fail.I learnt how to be dissapointed but act as if i'm ok.I learnt how to hide my tears and use a smile to hide the sorrow in me.I learnt to stand on my own.I learnt to fight.I learnt to fight greatly without givin up.I learnt to accept things and move on.I learnt to love.I learnt to care.I learn to appreciate.I learnt to be sincere.I learnt to live not only for myself but for other ppl hu needs me.I learnt who are my frens.I learnt how it feels to be at the bottom.I learnt to be meaner.I leanrt to hate.I learnt to be tougher.I learnt how the song simple plan-untitled mean nothing compared to my life.And i learnt to live life meaningfully.

Truth is Brock,I am an addict.But you know what Brock?I am feeling those feelings.I have overcome those obstacles that's put in front of me.I disgrace my race,I disgrace my family and i disgrace myself!...I came to the point of my life where it's do or die.Day by day i have earned my way back into this ring.When i step into this ring...yeah brock, i'm addicted.I'm addicted to the high i get from them.I'm addicted to the do or die feeling hommes!!!....Morale Vato!!!---------Eddie guerrero

life's tough,but i'm tougher...

2005-07-27T04:50:00.000+08:00

oh well...few days passed n now it's like what wednesday.Everything is lyk so damn fast n gues what i have 2 days off.What am i gona do with these 2 days?Think bout that later.Anyway i bought this eddie guerrero life story VCD.Nvr been a WWE fan but i dunno when i looked at the cover it just moved my instincts to grab it n buy it.N dats what i did.

It kinda show his rise to fame then his fall.Took drugs,drank too much got into an accident which nobody thought he would live.But he's back in the ring in like 6 mths though expected a yr.And he cried in da show.I mean durin the interview.Big n tough guys cry too huh.The point where his wife asked for divorce cos she can't take the kiosk anymore...he broke down n start saying he misses his dad n stuff.Enough of his inspiring story.

love is blind?Nah...it just refuses to see the things that it should see.I see you.I see your pretty face,your sweet smile i heard so many gd things bout you but i just couldn't c dem in you.It's like when i look into your eyes all i see is a dark tunnel with no end.It's scary to enter but if i dun i will be left wondering.You got so many boyfrens n know what just go.U dun need me.you think i'm around cos of ur looks.fuck it...i can't be bothered...I have thoughts which i want to believe about you but i dun seem to be able to.

Ok...u carry on with your life n me mine.It's not like as if i'm not used to being by myself.I didn't lose you.YOU lost me.finish.

Life is a box of taik(shit)

2005-07-24T03:51:00.000+08:00

haha...the title...thats what my boss said to me when he was driving me home from work.That statement somehow sticks to my brain.Come to think of it again its quite true.Or is life a journey which only ends when you die?

I mean like when you look around you see so many ppl.You have your family, friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, gayfriends whatever friends...but still who's gona be there at the end of the road.Obviously ppl come n go.Some are like traffic lights where you stay for a while and later leave.Some are like signboards which show you directions when you're lost.Some are lampposts which help to shine your darkest days.Some are like big trees where you don't know what the fuck they are around for and rather they get chop down and left to rot.You depend on ppl and one day when they leave you say they betray you.Nobody likes to say good bye but sometimes decisions have to be made.Sometimes it's just better to leave.No matter how hard it is.Reality hurts.It can cut you deeply.Like how it did to me.

Abng Zyed might quit working at my place.He finds the working hours too heavy for him since he just got married for less than a month and now the wicked government has called him for reservist to serve in the bloody NDP.what's up with that you tell me.Whatever it is i hate to see him leave but then to think of it he really needs to go so he can get a better lyf.I still wish him the best.He doesn't read this but i just want him to know that i love him.He's like my own big brother besides the difference in size and skin colour whatsoever.Haiz...

I don't choose to know you cos of your looks,popularity or sympathy,It all comes down to a simple reason:sincerity.That's why i'm here in case you need me around 1 day. : )

the gurl i wish to forget

2005-07-21T03:54:00.000+08:00

Know what I really need now?...Friend?No...they were nvr there anyway,Money?I need that too but i dun really need it now,Shoulder to cry on?No...i can cry on something else,Steady girlfriend?Nah...

I just need the punching bag.U might find me dumb but the sight of the punching bag just relieves me u know.When I'm standing in front of it many things will happen.The punching bag will slowly transform to someone in my mind.I'll be talking to myself when I'm hitting it. I'll be in my own world taking out my anger,pain n sadness on it.It will only be me and the bag.Every punch becomes harder and harder.It will continue untill i'm really tired out n feel satisfied bout what I just did.After that I will feel brand new.

I was the one who was lifting you up
When you thought your live have had enuff
hoobastank-running away

Now,I don't even think you remembered the times we had.There you are laughing away with your other "guy frens" and u claim they r the funniest shit alive cos they r always arnd to make you laugh.It's been lyk what... two years.And here I am thinking of you every single day hoping you're ok.You are like a scar n no matter what it just won't fade.Whatever you promised, you just don't even seem to remember yet alone break it.You think I'm with you cos you were beautiful?fuck that shit.You just felt in control cos all the guys were chasing after your ass.But...till today,till this second...I'm always around.I have always been.Only that you don't realise it.Have a good day cos what goes around comes around.

Leaving On A Jet Plane

2005-07-19T03:09:00.000+08:00

The title has always got nothing to do with what I'm gonna write.The song kept on playing at my work place anyway.Too many sad songs around.

Anyway, I went home in a cab and the driver jus wun shut up.Keep telling there's no customers.Asked my age n give me "what the fuck" look.Asked what I do, why m i not in school.I mean I get this a lot but on my way home from work i have to face this endless questions.But still I was answering him just lyk in a talkshow.Some think i'm going nowhere some support what I do,some say I'm stupid...Well I dun give a fuck...I'm happy n have no regrets.At least I am brave n took the risk to do what I really wanna do.Not everybody can do that right?At least I believe nobody wants to grow up to be a taxi driver.Not like it's a bad job but u surely want something else.

To those who support me...thanx a lot!To those who oppose..."go fuck spider".I dun owe u ppl anything.You ppl wun even realise if i fall down n die tml.Of cus i dun wanna work at simpang bedok for the rest of my lyf.I've got plans too.But guess that's gona wait after NS which is coming soon for me.Give me 5 yrs...n I'll show you who's the one left standing.

Gonna do some soul searching...ciao

The title is whatever you have in mind : )

2005-07-18T03:42:00.000+08:00

Hey what's up...besides the ceiling...Wun be writing bout da shop just need to get it out of my mind for a while.I'm listening to songs like Pete Murray-So Beautiful...reminds me of girls who come n go...wun be writing bout that too.Also listening to 311-Love Song...simple song n yet meaningful.Right now so many scenes are playing through my head like a black and white film.Like the words Abng Waleed(he's my bro,arab n i call him the arabian mafia cos he's so into this underground shit,aspiring Godfather...) said to me to keep me standing up despite the shit that kept on falling.

I mean shit happens that's how you learn right?He said "sometimes you just have to stop and look fear in the face.That's when u'll get thru experience and courage and learn.Then u can say to yourself that u've lived thru this horror n u can take on another".I'm still holding on to that.

The scene when i decided to stop school is flashing back.Guess where i made the decision.At the playground near my home.And the day after i went to school, talked to the tutor and poof!Out of poly and into the real world.All that i have at that tym was $25.80 n many many many job experiences.I took my chance n so far i'm quite ok.

Now Maya's back into my story.I mean she's always in mind every single day only that she doesn't know.The 2nd last tym I saw her was at her house bus stop.I put out my hand n said "frens?".She took my hand kissed me on the right cheek and then hugged me.When I was in the bus I saw her wiping her tears.Ok let's skip this part.Miss her still...ok skip...

Now what...nothing's up.Ok...so i guess this is the end...Adios

living today just lyk yesterday

2005-07-17T05:18:00.000+08:00

Today was damn tiring at work.So much Fish and Chips being sold today.Either our F&C was damn nice or Lon John Silver's has closed today.I was cutting fish lyk crazy and the oil in da deep fryer had become cold cos there was too much frying being done in a short tym.Everyone was expecting their steaks to be out fast lyk wad da fuck.Abng zyed will get so fed up n he kept shouting "what think this one mama stall ar 2 mins can come out food..nabei..cb...we not selling mee goreng or prata know!".Said that with a chinese accent.Haha...i laughed at him...

And today Mardhiah came to the shop.Who's this mardhiah?I'll tell u next tym oryte?It was one of those moments when i felt lyk the whole of simpang bedok freezed n it was only me n her.It feels like there's a soft background music playing.All the other voices became lyk echoes.I was looking at her sweet little face n noticing every single detail like her eyeliner,her hair,her voice n her whatever...She was standing so close to me smiling that smile which makes me adore her more n more and she had to spoil the moment by saying.."oi!"...haha...Mardhiah,mardhiah...asal lah ngan kau ni...Got to tok to her for lyk 30 secs n she had to move off...

After she left...everything was back to normal.I mean simpang bedok no longer freezed.More fish and chips orders were coming in.Oh well that's how it is...Chilled at abng Zyed's house for a while after work b4 he went back to his wife's place in punggol.Life of a married man.No more looking at woman's ass,no more FHM,no more stupid pornographic cds no more this no more that...haha...By 5 am here I am writing my life story here...

Ok i'm tired...not sleepy but just tired...got so much things to think about that sometimes i dunno what im thinking about anymore.Brain dead for now so i'm gona end it here n think what i'm gona do next.

Cya arnd (put your name here) !

the knife the pots and the pans

2005-07-16T05:16:00.000+08:00

the title was crap but it's something bout the kitchen at my work place.Nvr had i imagine i would be doing cooking as my job.Time do fly fast.I was in this line when I was 16 n now it's been more than a year.

I had a rough start.I had to be the waiter for a while,than the dishwasher,than i start peeling onions,cutting carrots blah blah blah...And my mentor was this one big old man.He thought me to cut lettuce faster than superman can,how to deal with fucked up customers(lyk spitting on their food...haha...nvr did that part),he kept shouting at me lyk as if i'm the dumbest guy in simpang bedok,he would throw potatoes at me when i'm too slow,n kept complaining that his second wife can do grilling so much better than me.He would mke me feel so low n den will pick me up again with his own style.Now he's gone in indonesia doing his own shit.Miss him arnd though.Really do.He treated me like his own son still.Kept saying that he would get me married to his daughter someday. Haha...that's my old man

What i love about this whole thing?I guess it's the ppl.You don't just learn how to create dishes but you also learn bout life,bout staying together,bout covering up each other's ass,bout trust,bout frenship....Like for my place many things happened to the abang2 so i really got to c what their world was like.I got to see 1 of dem getting married to a beautiful pakistani n british mixed lady.I got to c dem fall when their business failed.I got to c dem cry when their gf left them.I got to see them trying to get fresh with the hot lady customers.It was an eye opener kind of thing.And the good thing they nvr treated me like i'm a 17 yr old.I guess that's how i grow up.The rough way but i guess i do learn fast.But...they would nvr admit it i'm better.

They would endlessly teach me,advice me,nag at me n wadever u can think of.They would keep telling me i need new shoes,i need some gurls in my lyf,i need this i need that...One of dem would teach me how to speak hindi,the other would teach how to speak arabic...it was damn cool...They r like my familia. My karnal.

Viva La Rasa

the fight

2005-07-14T03:28:00.000+08:00

ok...i'm starting to write again. It's not that lyk i got no one to talk to but you know just one of those days where i felt lyk doing something again. Yesterday's boxing was ok. I got to spa(which means fight) with one korean guy prolly 24 yrs old n he really beat the hell out of me. Lyk as if i've done something wrong to his girlfriend back in korea but oh well what's boxing if there's no one being boxed. And the good thing is no one cheered for me.tha was cool...Haha...

He gave me a solid shot on the kidney(that hurts the most), my left eye n head.At one point i felt my eyes tearing up but of course i can't cry u know.Gota act everything's ok n that the punch was just like an ant bite.It just that i felt lyk the whole place was spinning.I was down but at least i wasn't out.So i didn't waste my tym n beat the fucker up as well.It was ok no win no loose but still i wast satisfied cos he backed out on the 3rd round.

When all is done n i realised that i had nowhere to go, i went back to the shop and went to see the abang2 at my place.Nvr imagined that after a fight i could get so hungry.Had some thai food n yeah still felt hungry but i can't be bothered to eat again.

So that's my day for today...full of punches.And pain.